Owed to Timothy
by Marc Auerbach

[Asked for review input on a certain individual while at Apple, I gave the following response.]

To His Lordship Peter the Grate,

It is a testament to your sagaciousness and omniscience that you have chosen this peculiarly appropriate time to request this information while the issue concerning Timothy doth knock about in my cranium like some interstitial atom of carbon.

Ask you if young Timothy hath made commitments, I say nay. Fore he has not merely made commitments but constructed them in such painstaking detail as to put our finest architects to shame and in such volume as would make the whores of Sodom blush as the spring petunia.

Ask ye if he hath kept such commitments and I answer nay again. For his commitments are not kept, but spread like a pox upon his vassals, who reel like fish upon the rod under the weight of his sobriety. Hath he communicated well so as to inform the other members of his court?

By Jove he hath not, fore his voice, like a falling tree, crashes down the corridors and echoes in the atrium informing courtier and coffee vendor alike.

Is it a jest that you ask if he has managed his people well? A thousand times nay. His people live in squalor not fit for beast nor reptile. Their stalls are seldom mucked out and no care is given to their daily habits. They are unkempt and rowdy lot, unshaven and unshorn who are given free reign to come and go as they please, as if the rank of freeman had already been proferred upon them.

They are physically weak from lack of sleep and sunshine, a condition of their primitive superstitions which nightly finds them worshiping strange symbols, as strange as Cleopatra's hieroglyphs, and conjuring spirits in a ancient tongue which serveth as a secret code amongst them. I doubt the lot of them would fetch at market but a dog-eared cow.

Hath his presence facilitated the undertakings of my clan? If undertakings be undertaken by an undertaker then he will surely be the death of me and by that evidence I say he hath facilitated well.

He hath the judgement of a Solomon, though he hath not the same dexterity with fractions and prefers to deal with the whole number which he manipulates in the scientific form much detested by the bishopric.

Ask me of his productivity and as well you might ask if a cuckhold hath a leg to stand on, for he hath none but two.

Query me on his skills at reasoning and I will scratch my head, though my head itcheth not and as well scratch my arse for the good it will do my brain, though the itch in my arse thus satisfied gives me leave to use my brain to ponder such a question.

N'ere have I seen his team work, for to work as a team doth require assemblage as a unit for the purpose of a task. But gathering his clan upon a spot be'st like gathering mercury upon a globe.

Ere one could prick the globe and gather his mercurial minions therein, scarce woulds't the work resultant of a world spun past a hundred sunrises but fit in a single breast pocket.

Thus I end my story of young Timothy and leave it to the mercy of your lordship to confer upon him that which your pleasure will find most suitable.

Graciously yours,